Lonliness is the most god-awful thing in this world. Two days ago I had to say goodbye to someone who i hold very special in my heart. After extensive discussions we decided that if we spilt up for at least 6 months we might be able to rekindle what has gone missing between us. However, I cant help but feel like shit. All of the last two nights I have had nothing but problems getting to sleep and been feeling sick. I know that I love her but I'm beginning to think that current events are showing me how much I really do love her and how ungrateful I was over the last 2 years to have her. Earlier in the month I had realised that my relationship was on rough grounds and I planned to do something about it. I went up to Gladstone to see my closest and best friend and he gave me some advice and helped me to relax and change into the person I am now.

I am happy to still be her friend and even happier that I still get to live with her in the same house because I still get to see her everyday. All I can hope for is that she doesn't forget the fact of how much I love her. I realise that I may have been, to put it bluntly, an asshole to her. At one stage I was even treating her like a possesion without realising it and when she spoke up about it, I did something about it but it wasnt good enough, I didn't try hard enough. There have been so many things that I have done wrong and that I am sorry for and it wasnt until about 6 months ago that everything hit me like a bullet train and she got hurt.

I came to a point in the relationship with her where I was stupid enough to think that everything was great and there was nothing that could happen to screw it up, but I was wrong. Typically, that temptaion was another woman, but that woman was one of my best friends' girlfriend. It started with just general chit-chat and hanging out then it moved onto a more serious level one night when she came over to visit after my girlfriend and I had a big argument and, to my understanding, had split up. Little did I know at that time that it wasn't so. Over the course of the night it went from watching TV to a more personal level which ended up in the bedroom, but it never went passed foreplay. After talking with one of my bosses at work who had a similar experience, he gave me a piece of advice. "Sit down and think about your heart. What does IT want. Where do you see yourself in 5/10 years and who is it with". After that shift, I sat down and I instantly realised who my Heart wanted.

I went straight to the phone and called my girlfriend and told her how i felt. A little bit later, I confessed to her what happened that night. She was shocked and I could tell that I hurt her. She then informed my friend that I had something to tell him. So I did. He too, was shocked, although it did answer some questions for him. I am still sorry for that incident to both of them and to all of their friends that were informed and/or hurt by that.

I am not asking for anything nor do I want to be judged. I do however, wish to apologise to certain people for what has happened.

Astika: I have apologised to many times for all of the mistakes that I have made and I hope that over the next period of time you can see the type of person I really am and how much I have changed.

Gospel: Mate, I've already said it but I'm sorry for what happened and I hope that we can continue to be friends and you can trust me once more.

Shuki: To you I wish to apologise because often, due to my actions, Astika would be hurt and you would be comforting her and she didn't deserve it and you didn't deserve to see your friend in that state. I only hope that you can see that I have changed from that asshole to the new person that I am now.

That's all I really have to say. I don't know why I am saying it now but I do feel better saying it. I hope that anyone who reads this can understand what I said.

One last thing. To anyone who is in love or is in a relationship with someone they care for: 'Never take them for granted, always show your love for them in multiple and numerous ways. Buy them gifts for no reason other than to say I Love You'.

Brad